I have not liked the past couple of days. I have felt a lot of really sad emotions. I have not been gentle with myself.
After I got back from my absolutely amazing vacation this week I just couldn't pull myself together. I was feeling all sorts of yuckiness that reminded me all too much of my past. Immediatly I became fearful of everything. I was afraid of my craft room..... of my computer......of my blog.....of going back to work on Monday.....of the things I thought my friends in NC were thinking after spending time with me for the first time in a couple of years.....of repeating the mistakes of the past...of the bulge in my belly that will NOT go away no matter how much i exercise or change my diet (nope, no baby there).
I allowed the yuckiness to linger for a couple of days, teling myself that there is a time for everything. I tried to be gentle with myself but it was a struggle. I kept getting angry and impatient. Thoughts like "you should be creating something," and "your life is perfect, you have no right to feel this way," and "here you go again, you will never get it right" kept creeping into my head over and over and over again. Reruns of Law and Order were not helping. I'm not sure why I thought that would work because I never watch TV, I don't really enjoy it. But, I guess I just had to "be" in it. I had to go with it.
I am a firm believer in living an authentic life. I just don't think it is worth living any other way. But I have a confession.....I have been avoiding my blog for a couple of days because I knew I couldn't fake a happy post and I was in a wierd spot of being too scared to talk freely about my real feelings. My rationalization was that I didn't want to bring anyone who happened to encounter my blog down too. Then I realized....Ashley, who do you think you are? Do you really think you have that much power? Then I started being mean to myself again. It is an ugly cycle.
So finally today I knew I had to take some sort of action to release these very real feelings of inadequacy, sadness, insecurity and fear. I knew that Kelly Rae would be able to help. She always helps. I spent a good 10 minutes on her blog and I was able to gain perspective. I think she is one of my heroes.
Here are just a few tidbits that I picked up from my 10 minutes spent in her world:
Later this evening.......posting some really fun necklaces that I managed to make during the "slump." Very easy, quick and cheap. Actually, i hate it when people say that about their projects....not only does it sound cliche' but "easy, quick and cheap" are absolutely and completely relative and can make people feel like crap. I will never say that again. I promise.
Also, I went to a VERY heavy metal concert last week and learned more than I ever imagined I could at such a thing. Now this is not something I do on a regular basis...actually it's not something I do EVER. I'll be sharing about that soon.
I am feeling a mixture of things right now. I feel freedom and peace and light. But I still feel a bit insecure and afraid. Such are the ingredients of authentic living. I honestly wouldn't have it any other way.
One more thing.....I keep seeing this really great poster that I need hanging in my home, office, car and gym....I leave you with it's message.....keep calm and carry on. Its true. Very true.
Thank you for stopping by, I am so glad you are here! Just a bit about me...I aim to live an authentic and creative life. I love design. I love craftiness. I love possibilities.I love connecting with people who love pretty things and who are passionate about living whole-heartedly.